“The door opens like they sometimes do when you knock on them and wait to see who is on the other side.”
Chilton’s intro…
Chilton again, the host of the Kyler Doss blog and sometime player in the drama. I mean, I must be kind of a major player in this one because I can't stop thinking about it. It's not my story, though, let's be clear about that.
The story of me is on some back burner that Kyler has and I'm really the last one to know. Trust me, it's weird to be unpublished. It's probably even more weird if you are part of some first draft that is handwritten in pencil. Don't get me started. I can't even.
We've got some really important business to discuss and as usual it falls to me to be the one that introduces it.
Give This To Dane is a story about suicide. The topic is, like, radioactive. To be sure, the message of the story is, Don't Do It!
And…
SPOILER ALERT
…nobody does, either in backstory or front story.
It's a love story, is what it is. But a dark cloud floats near the horizon.
I'm gonna give you the opening of the tale right here and you'll see what I'm talking about. Then as per usual I will have an OUTRO for you and I've got no idea how we are going to deal with this stuff.
GIVE THIS TO DANE
A Musical Play
Craig is alone in the back row of his high school auditorium. The big springtime play has just ended, Suicide the Musical.
It didn't do anything for him. It didn't change his opinion one way or the other, if he had an opinion in the first place.
They tried hard. All the girls and boys on stage sang their hearts out. Don't do it. It isn't worth it. You can get help.
Craig even tapped his toe to one of the numbers. And he is kind of singing it to himself on the walk home. It's not worth it, or something like that.
A Boy
The play makes him think about this boy he likes, a boy that he has liked since they started 7th grade together. It isn't going to work out. The month of April puts them real close to the end of their senior year.
The boy is going away to college and that will be the end of what never was.
Craig has heard all the words. Some of them were in the musical he has just seen. They even addressed the topic of love and how you shouldn't kill yourself over it. They used the old line, there are other fish in the sea. As a matter of fact, it was one of Craig's favorite numbers. The dancing was pretty good and the tune was real catchy.
What Never Was
Craig has not had a relationship with the boy. They are sort of like friends but that's mostly because they know some people who know both of them. Yeah, they've talked more than once. Quite a bit if you add it up over six years. But they never came close to saying personal stuff, like who may have loved who.
Craig has got no idea how that boy feels. He has always paid close attention to if the boy had a girlfriend or something. That was never clear. The boy was always going to these social deals, like group dating. You couldn't tell from a distance who he really liked.
Craig didn't go to that stuff. He already knew who he liked and he couldn't ask him out.
The boy's name is Dane. Craig likes the name but he would probably like it no matter what when you consider who it is.
Whenever Craig got into one of those short conversations with him, it was just phony stuff about school or whatever. And then you just said what you figured you were supposed to say.
It was never, I wanna go out with you.
April
Every time he thinks about any of this stuff, which is all the time, he can't believe it is all about to end. Dane is leaving, Craig is staying behind.
The calendar just runs out on him, is all. He can't go on without Dane.
If he was in the play he just saw, he wonders how he would play his part. And if they would like it. It would involve Dane, of course. As a dramatic actor in the play, Craig would plan to kill himself over Dane.
He should probably leave a note. Except he doesn't know what to say. He could sum it up real easy, like, I will never have Dane and I can't live without him.
A Note
That would pretty much do it unless he felt like he couldn't be so honest about it. He had to consider if Dane himself would see the words eventually. Or he could send it directly to him in a letter where they guarantee the person gets it.
And then he wouldn't know how to phrase it. Because he would be talking directly to him. Something like, I wanted you but it isn't your fault.
Maybe he just wouldn't leave a note at all, or else just make it kind of generic. I can't take it any longer.
They would wonder what he meant specifically. But as soon as you try and get into the specifics, the note just gets all messed up and difficult. It's better to keep it simple.
If he sends it to Dane, it can be a little more for real. Sort of, if you ever think of me, Dane, just think of me that I love you.
On Stage
Craig thinks about the musical play and if they would have put that number in there, if they had it. He could have written them a big suicide note number with his line as the chorus. Just think of me that I love you. Someone might question the phrasing but Craig doesn't want anybody to touch it. He wants to tell it to Dane the way his pen first put it down on paper, the ink black.
He wants to write the note for real when he gets home. He wants to see it like it's the real note, the one he leaves behind or sends to Dane.
I wanted you but it isn't your fault. If you ever think of me, Dane, just think of me that I love you.
Other than the signature, nothing else would appear. Well, maybe the date.
Craig gets out a blank sheet of paper. He writes the date on the top of it. It looks good, the way it stands there alone. But he knows that he has to write more. So he writes Dane's name followed by a comma.
Ink
The note has begun, once you've got the things on it that Craig already has.
I wanted you.
The opening line is down in black ink, right up to the period. It's in the past tense because everything is over. You can argue they've got the month of May to go, plus early June. But it's a useless period of time. The six long years have basically come and gone.
Craig will continue to look for Dane in school. That's not unusual, it's what he has done all along in the two schools they have gone through.
He is watching the time run out. The only truth that will come is what he puts in the note.
From the first day I saw you, it's the way that I felt.
Craig
Craig realizes that when you are being honest the paragraphs and sentences are probably shorter. In fact, the note kind of says already what he would tell Dane if he could. You can add more to it or you can leave it where it's at and it's all the same.
If Dane reads it, he understands. You can't really miss the meaning of something like that. Sure, Dane could pretend he never saw the note but that's about all he could do.
Craig has got one more sentence.
I wanted to tell you.
After that, he writes his name.
Craig.
Dane
Dane will know who it is. The pen rests below the signature, where there is plenty of white space on such a short note.
It makes you want to write more. And you are saying things to Dane that you never thought you would.
But you've already signed your signature, so you have to write PS if you want to write more. Craig writes it.
Then he can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. He could write, I love you, but it's obvious in the words that are above his signature. Still, he's got to write something because he can't just leave the PS hanging there.
Just think of me that I love you.
The letter is done. The past six years of his life are summed up in the PS. There is nothing more to say.
Chilton’s outro…
I'm back. Well, that was it. I don't like it when these burdens fall to me, an unsung hero in a rumored piece of fiction. How far is that removed from reality? And then you want me to discuss a topic that is really real.
Sometimes you write yourself into a corner. Then you hope there's a window nearby and you can crawl out. And slip away and no one is the wiser.
It's Kyler's problem, not mine. I don't know what he's gonna do.
If he finds me hiding in the pencil scrawl of his rough drafts, I'm just gonna throw up my hands: "Hey man, you are asking too much of me!"